Over the last few weeks I have returned to recording yoga videos and wellness tutorials. I chose to design these videos as a way to help people navigate the practice of yoga and glean knowledge on a holistic approach to wellness. However, I’ve been struggling with watching myself on the videos. Ummmmmmm yeah me, your extroverted, happy go lucky, empowerment, positive speaking, lover of life, encourager of others friend.
I too battle the outward image, the ego, and self-worth based on appearance. I try not to live in the past but it’s hard not to. I was in tiptop shape, physically, mentally, and spiritually before my daughter was born. I think I was most happy with myself up until about 7 months into my pregnancy. My partner and I were in such an amazing place in our marriage, I was working a job I loved (although it wasn’t easy), and I was physically in excellent health. Before pregnancy, I was a lean size 4 with a 4pack, 17% body fat, running marathons, practicing yoga, and spending time with the people I loved most.
After princess was born it was hard to figure out how to balance the increasing responsibilities of work, being a wife and a mom, and exercising. My self-care has been up and down for about 3 years. During that time, I chose to pursue my doctorate and open my yoga studio. Now you’re thinking “what the heck is wrong with you Steph, why would you take on more when you were already overwhelmed.” Friend, I chose to purse my doctorate because I transitioned into higher education and I needed a terminal degree. I opened Indigo Soul because I felt I was led to have a safe place on the southside for a diverse group of people to embrace the practice of yoga as a lifestyle and not just exercise.
In 2019, I started truly working on me. I am usually the person who pours energy, light, and love into others. This goes for my family, friends, college students, patients, and yoga students. Last year I began to focus on me. I’ve been working from the inside-out and it hasn’t been easy. I have been working out at Orange Theory Fitness and have been focused on my internal and external yoga practice.
I know you all know that yoga surpasses your physical abilities and how you look. This is something I tell my yoga students and friends all the time. Yoga is a philosophical lifestyle that teaches you to be the best person for yourself and for this world. The saying “treat others how you want to be treated” is appropriate for yoga because that’s what it is: truthfulness, non-violence, non-possessiveness, vitality, contentment, purity, self-study, discipline, and devotion to something greater.
Although, I know that yoga doesn’t care about your size or abilities, my personal insecurities came to light with recording the yoga tutorials. This past Saturday I recorded a video explaining high crescent lunge and low lunge. The first thing I said when I saw the first 20 seconds of the video was “oh my arms look huge.” This was followed by, “Where’s my other shirt, I need a long sleeve shirt.” Yes, me, Stephanie, I said those things. Next, I said “okay great my shirt and pants are black; black makes you look slimmer.” My nephew is the coordinator for my studio and he’s a tech guru, so of course he helps me with the videos. Friend, picture this, a 19-year-old male shaking his head and saying, “who told you that” (referring to wearing black). I proceeded to say, “fashion and marketing.” He then says, “you look great and the video was awesome.”
At the time, I wasn’t hearing him, periodt (in my Rickey Thompson voice). His statement went in one ear and out the other. We proceeded to re-record the video (because I was adamant it had to be redone) and I shared it on YouTube and on my studio’s private Facebook group. Over the last 4-5 weeks of recording videos my self-consciousness has come up a few times, but I think this last week was the worst.
I wasn’t going to share all my personal issues regarding my outward appearance with you; but one of my best friends commented on this specific video about how beautiful I looked and that I’m beautiful inside and out. Unbeknownst to her, this comment was the push I need to speak on this topic. As a leader, teacher, healthcare provider and wellness advocate I know that wellness and health are not based on appearance. I know that the practice of yoga is not about my physical being but the deeper work that I am doing.
However, I felt led to share that I, along with many of you deal with self-consciousness related to weight. I choose not to remain in a negative headspace related to my size. Instead I choose to encourage myself to continue my journey of self-care, health, and wellness one day at a time. I’m not skinny but I am strong inside and out. Yes, I can complete advanced asana (yoga poses), but what’s so much more important is that I’m allowing my light to shine through work in my studio and on my job. I have the privilege of helping men and women like you realize that they are worthy, important, and deserve self-care.
Friend, this blog serves as a reminder to you and to me that outward appearance does not determine our worth or ability to change lives. You (we) don’t have to be skinny to do yoga. The real work of yoga is in changing our mindset and attitude towards ourselves and towards others.
As I tell my students, “Do the work.” That’s the only way anything changes. Do the internal work to become your best self.
In a moment of full transparency, here’s the original photo from last weeks video.
